Begin Again

hmmmm it would seem that i can only blog when regularity enters my realm again...
i have been completely out of sorts with the world, with grades, with work with life...
friends have consumed my time, and sadly b/c i feel guilty if i dont hang out with them, and then i have all this stuff to do...and then i get overwhelmed...

you see, im the type of person who, when life gets rough or hard, i rather retreat/forget about it rather than deal with it. God has been trying to tell me to go to Him first, and I was doing really well until i came back from spring break and i got distracted by my distractions. (who would have thought?) i need to be distracted by God!

work was getting chaotic and there was so much pressure on me it felt....greg was not there and so therefore there was more slack than people thought there would be that needed to be picked up =P
well needless to say....by the time greg did get back, i was burnt out on work, i was excited to see him...then he left early >_<....then i was sick...>_< and then i needed off b/c of....beauty delimas (thank God meagan wanted to wrk for me) and then i wrked with him wed. and even though it was a crazy horrible and "stressful" night....it was back in the norm.

i couldn't get use to wrk not being normal to me. i did not even know that i needed such a sense of being grounded...and now that things are settling back...may frustration and anger have gone waaaay down...and i have been reminding myself to go to God all of the time. But tonight...tonight was a bump in the road so to speak...

i got so frustrated, aww heck let's say it, i was downright mad. and im not myself when i get angery, i have not been. i haven't been going to God with my anger, having Him take it away...
i swore, i yelled, i nearly cried. i hated myself after work ended. and i still feel like a horrible person. God forgives for those who truly repent, but im still not forgiving myself. i hate representing God in such a way when people know i am christian!!!

but back to how weird it is that something as small as greg being gone and school starting off again throws off my whole schedule, and view on different things as well....like i hated work for the longest time...school wasn't even important for some reason...i dont know...something had just been wrong with me, and im still trying to shake it off...

so pray for me, i feel like i have made a mess of God's work in me.

Well for the most part I can say with honesty that I believe myself to be a "good person".
But to state the fact, I am still a person....And we people just are not that great, at all.
I neglect a lot, most of all time with God and God alone. I may mention Him a lot, I do love Him and am a Christian, but I do not follow up with learning the Word. I need to truly start putting God first in my life...

I have distractions that I have set up in my life. And now they're are too many, well at least I am putting my distractions first rather than God. It is absolute stupidity. He pulled me out of depression, and yet I still feel the need for distractions...I'm just scared of what might happen if they are taken away. I don't trust Him, I'm admitting that. I need to, to fully trust God with everything. I just have, trouble with completely letting go. It's hard to let go of something like your past all at once, or my fear of depression. I don't want it to come back, I don't want to live in despair again. I have a hard time trusting that God knows want is best for me, and that He will never give me anything that I can't handle. It is just something that I need to do, I need to trust...but it is the hardest thing for me to do.

So I just pray, God, that I might start to trust You more. Let me not get distracted and let my life remain dependent on You. -Amen

On My Mind

I close my eyes and take a leap
Into what I feel is incomplete
All I see is the impenetrable haze
Clouding up and making me dazed
So I push on through to find the Light
It shined on through with all its might
And now I can always see when I trust in It
My future will no longer just wait and sit
I let the peace begin
I let the inner war end
The Light fills me and makes me whole
The Light saved my mortal soul!

No Goodbyes!!!

okay
so today was a day filled with ups and downs
i tell you what though...God did renew my strength...and He did even though, I ended up not having to deal with goodbye! Greg is staying! And I am so happy to not feel like I have to say goodbye anytime soon. =)

Today was just one of those days, you know? I woke up late b/c the rain just made me super sleepy. And then it was school...and it didn't get better until I checked my phone and to my surprise, Gregoreo had indeed called me.

I took the liberty upon myself to use my teachers phone to call my manager as to make sure nothing was wrong at wrk...lol. When I talked to him my day just wen from a 50 watt light bulb to a 700 watt...and I was exceedingly over-joyed.

Me, personally, I grow very attached to my friends. I love them dearly with all my heart. I hate to see them hurt, I hate to seem them go. Greg is one of my dear, dear friends. I have shared many personal experiences with him and visa versa. One thing that is great about getting to know someone is, getting to know them. I find each and everyone of my friends unique and I admire their quirks and hobbies. There lives become special to me and I confined in them very easily. (In mind are Jordan, Savannah, Stefanie, Sara, and Greg)

So, to say the least, people dont understand my ability to care and love for another person, but I do that to my full compacity. In fact as Christians we are called to love everyone and one another. And I do that whole heartedly. I really do care!

SO .... that is it lol


That is my vey amazing news today! I look forward to wrking many more days with Greg and hope that the Lord stays in his life and in mine! =D

Needing Strength

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I have a problem with letting things go
I have a problem with letting things be
Its hard for me not to focus on the sad now
I'm trying so hard to just be happy
But how can I do it when I have to say goodbye?
It seems that everyone I get close to just has to leave
I never expected this, I never wanted it
So God I ask you to give me the strength
Because Lord I'm not sure how much more I can take
I keep on having to say goodbye over and over
So Lord I ask you once more to give me the strength
And help me let this go, help me let him go
And let him be the last friend I have to say bye to again.

God in My Life

This is it! My first blog on blogspot! I'm not new to this, so don't go on calling me a newbie...lol

I'm more poetic on some days, and then others I am more informative.

It just depends on my mood, which is always changing. =D

The past few days I have been contemplating a lot of things.
My beliefs, never were in question to say, but I have always been open to believing that God still communicates to people like He did in the bible, question....why would things have changed?

So to say as much, I never knock anyone "story" or religion (to say the least) until I have a full and complete understanding of it. If what I believe, and I do know what I believe, contradicts with anything, that is when discernment comes into play.

God is always my guide, I always pray with all my heart, and the Holy Spirit is there as my helper, as my guide that Jesus Christ left on this earth when he left this earth.

I have my heart and soul in Him. My life is with Him and is His. He has made me my crazy eccentric self and I see Him in everything I do.

So when it comes to strengthening my spirit, God does.
When it comes to strengthening my faith, God does.
And when i comes to strengthening my courage, God does.

So God be with me in the journey I'm in.
I'm starting now, let me begin.

=D He is there with me through everything, and amen for that!